Spam from the Future


I’d started to grow weary of spammers post-dating spam messages so they show at the top of folders sorted reverse-chronologically until I started thinking about the idea. Sure, 90% of the spam in my Yahoo! account ends up in the Spam folder (as opposed to about 99% in my Gmail account and 10% in my Hotmail account), but how ambitious could a spammer be? I mean, it isn’t enough that they want to clutter your mail folders with unsolicited messages about diplomas, stock quotes and ED drugs, but now they want to supercede all messages of value on the off-chance that: a) the message would somehow land in the Inbox and b)  a user would forget the default sort order and say to him/herself “Wow, this must be important. It’s at the top of the list.”

But then I got to thinking: What if I’m wrong? What if these messages are ACTUALLY messages from the future? What if the geriatric future Don actually placed an order for V14gr4 or C14l15? I mean, I’ll be 60-years-old in 2038 (provided that the Mayans were wrong), so there’s a chance that I actually could be interested in said pharmaceuticals. AND maybe copyright laws change in the great Pfizer Inc. v. Pf1z3r 1nc. case of 2021 and the pharma giant was actually forced to change their product name to Vee Fourteen Gee Are Four?

With that in mind, it goes without saying that this sexagenarian me might’ve placed the order for a batch of erectile dysfunction drugs. Or, in developer speak, maybe:

Error 1110: Call to private Member function is not responding.

As a result, the future version of UPS, which I must assume is UPS v2.0 (or United Parcel Starfleet) has dispatched a hover-truck and courier bot in brown Lycra shorts to deliver the resolution to the above error.

Or maybe by 2018, pharmaceutical companies will develop technology to pre-determine erectile dysfunction for years to come (a true “Minority” Report by Mr. P. K. Dick — pun intended) and the 40-year-old me pre-ordered V14gr4 for the 60-year-old me without any indication to the 30-year-old me save for a shipping ticket in my spambox. Hell, this might not be spam at all. It might be the future telling me to click that link in my email, register my email address for some bulk list and save the elderly Don from embarrassing, shameful situations in my hovering moon-based bachelor pad.

Click those links, people! Click them like your (sex) life depends on it!  Your future you will thank you!

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